Musically Fresh’s Guide to Eurovision 2014
It’s Saturday Night! It’s Eurovision! So what’s Musically Fresh going to do…?
Well we’re off out…
But for those of you that are staying in, here’s a quick guide on what to expect from this year’s competition.
The United Kingdom is not going to win!
Somebody, somewhere, has put this year’s entry, Molly, at third to win. This person is clearly high. Molly is entering with her power-to-the-people tune, ‘Children of the Universe’. Is it good? It’s okay… it’s damn sure better than anything we’ve entered for the past decade or so.
Molly appeared on The Graham Norton Show last week, and appeared to be a confident, beautiful and witty young talent. But it’s not enough. Nothing about her is camp enough, good enough, weird enough or distracting enough to make the rest of Europe forget that we don’t want the Euro, and, for good measure, we might just be backing out of the EU.
The UK hasn’t won since 1997 – and since then, the camp, bubbly and flamboyant competition has become a cut-throat, brothers-in-arms, don’t fuck with the Scandinavians, political warfare.
So, be like the parent of the fat kid on Sports Day – just relax, enjoy the evening, don’t act so surprised when Molly fails to reach the finishing line – and just enjoy Graham Norton’s colourful sarcasm on commentary.
The Favourite – Sanna Nielsen, ‘Undo’ (Sweden)
Out of the 26 entries, it’s everybody’s’ favourite country that churns out stomach-turning, blonde-haired, glam-pop – Sweden! Like I said, Sweden is surrounded by countries that will give them top marks regardless of quality – they could enter a poodle being ravaged by a hive of killer bees and they’d still beat the UK.
The 4-time winners, who mercilessly gave ABBA to the world, are the bookies favourite to top the boards again! Their entry is Sanna Nielson, with her repetitive, ballad, ‘Undo’, which has seems to have more endless climaxes than my girlfriend. It’s an okay song, however – like the rest of the entries – if it wasn’t in Eurovision, it probably wouldn’t go anywhere.
One’s thing for certain – I haven’t actually enjoyed a Eurovision winner since Alexander Rybak won in 2009 with ‘Fairytale’. And before that is was Lulu in 1969…
The Bizarre Outside Runners
Remember when Lordi won in 2006 with ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’? Yeah? That’s because they were fucking insane. Up until my boy, Alexander “The Rybak” Rybak won in 2009, Lordi held the record with the most votes EVER in Eurovision! Because they were bat-shit crazy, came out dressed like monsters and demons and played heavy-metal.
The usual key to winning Eurovision is having a good song and good allies!
If you don’t have that, there are two back-up options.
Like Lordi, you crazier than a box of frogs and go all-out to make sure you grab the attention of the other countries. And utilising that strategy this year are the entries from France and Austria.
France’s entry, TWIN TWIN with ‘Moustache’ is a case of the song being slap-you-round-the-face peculiar. Translated, the lyrics are basically about a man bragging about his lavish lifestyle. And when the chorus kicks his he reveals, ‘I wanna moustache. A moustache. A moustache.’ Combine these lyrics with an incredibly up-tempo beat and screaming synth pangs – the song is almost unbearable to listen to… It’s ruddy great though!
Next, an example of when the performer is crazier than the track. Austria’s entry song, ‘Rise Like a Phoenix’ sounds like the theme tune to Bond film… but like, a Dalton or Lazenby Bond film. The oddity-factor comes in the package of the singer, Tom Neuwirth… or as he prefers to be known, Conchita Wurst. Yes, we have a transexual representing Austria this year, and although he may be the sexiest man I’ve ever seen with a beard (apart from Bradley Cooper), this entry simply is for shock factor. It’s also my favourite to win. Seriously.
So, what if your song isn’t that good? And you’re just not crazy enough to become a drag queen? Well, you could always try selling what always sells – sex.
And Poland’s entry is without a doubt the one performance I’ll be YouTubing tomorrow. Performed by the sexy duo, Donatan and Cleo, ‘We Are Slavic’ actually features the lyrics, ‘Shake what your mama gave ya’, and includes an endless stream of sexual innuendos. If that’s not enough, watch the video. It features busty milkmaids and bathing beauties, and more cleavage than a copy of Nuts Magazine.
Solid effort girls – it’s a ‘10’ from me.
Overall, tonight is huge night! It may not be as “cool” as watching the Premier League Final or Wrestlemania – but it’s an annual event that just doesn’t want to die. So, embrace it! Pick a favourite! Order a pizza and enjoy your Saturday night!
Or just go out, like us…
